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But for now, I’m giving it all I’ve got. And I like that about me.
May 3, 2023
It’s been seven months since our first date. A few days beyond that when we matched on Hinge. It’s been at times joyful, at times terrifying, often exasperating, yet always an incredibly rewarding journey.
I love Big. I always love Big. This time is no different. I love with intensity, an intensity sometimes frightening even to me. I like that about me. I like that I can throw my whole heart into loving, risk my entire heart. But I’ve only been able to truly embrace that in the last while since I’ve learned that losing a Great Love will not destroy me. Always, there is a way to go on, to move on, and time lessens the pain… and the regret.
It’s hard to imagine losing David. I don’t want to think of losing him, but it’s hard to rest completely in what we have. I want to. But I can’t. I’ve too much history of loss. But maybe that’s a good thing — maybe always being a bit off balance prevents me from taking all this for granted, from falling into complacency, from assuming he’ll always be there. Because he won’t. One thing or another will take one of us away from the other. That is an inevitability.
I’m struggling with balance — how much compromise is too much compromise? How much compromise lays the groundwork for resentments to grow, to build…
