Member-only story
But still, goddamn it, I’d sure like to have sex. Or maybe not. Well, fuck.
July 24, 2023
Four men. There are four men I’m in conversation with. Some I’ve been in conversation with for a long time. One is actually one of my best friends; we’ve met two times in person. He struggles with depression as do I. We’ve always made space for one another on that front. For some reason, I can’t get any of them to set a date to meet. And sometimes that’s OK and sometimes that’s not OK.
Somehow, I feel like IF I HAVE SEX, it will be a dividing line between David and the rest of my life. I’ll get to put the David thing to rest and move on. But that’s magical thinking. Believing something outside of you is going to solve an issue inside of you is magical thinking. On the other hand, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. And there is some truth to that. I’ll attest. It is a dividing line of sorts. A milestone. Or it can be. But sometimes it makes the pain of loss even worse because there’s an emptiness to sex for the sake of sex. But what it does for the ego is a rather miraculous thing. Eh. Who knows.
So, I’m whining about these men who won’t meet, but the truth is, I’m ambivalent. It’s not that I worry I’ll fall for one of them. They’re all much younger. They’re men with whom I have strong online relationships, the kind that…
