Depression, a broken VTB, losing a lover, how much more can I take?

BRING IT

August 15, 2022

The realization sprung to mind last week a bipolar woman who’s not quite got her bipolar under control is not the ideal caregiver for a woman who is rapidly deteriorating from vascular dementia. I’m not sure how the next days and weeks will play out. Suffice it to say, I am truly terrified. It’s horrifying to watch my mother, who is not my mother, and I’m very afraid I’m simply not equipped emotionally to weather the worst of this. Because it will indeed get worse. I’m not sure how long this can go on.

Klonipin, martinis, and avoidance have been my coping mechanisms as of late. I’m the first to admit none of those are effective. Removing myself from the environment when it gets too tense and confrontational is prudent. But with substances, there’s always that ugly return to reality when the effect wears off. On top of landing smack back in the middle of reality, add in sluggishness, nausea, and a headache. Fuck. What the fuck am I thinking? I’m all about short term pain relief. I always have been.

I would be working with my therapist. BUT MY THERAPIST FUCKING DIED. MY THERAPIST FUCKING DIED. Although I talk to him all the time now because I know we’re connected all the time now, not just during our appointments. I replay all…