I doubt I’ll be back anytime soon.

Photo by Elliot Mann on Unsplash

May 19, 2024

I’m visiting mom. I haven’t seen her in just over five months.

Within 24 hours, the same despair sets in. The same anxiety, the same… well… the same anger.

I really wanted it to be different. But it’s just not. I’m not quite as anxious as I was before. I look out the same front window, at the same trees and houses, and I remember what it felt like to ponder on my environment back then. Total all-consuming unending despair.

I could tell you all the little things she does that make me crazy just like before. I could tell you all the ways I am triggered for which I judge myself to be petty and small. But why? Suffice it to say, she isn’t going to change, and neither am I. We have a dance, it is an aggressive dance, a dance of disdain. It’s just plain ugliness. And it’s tragic. But too much has transpired to ever return to that easy rapport we once had. That mother-daughter intimacy is simply gone.

I am so glad I got out of here.

I doubt I’ll be back anytime soon.