I fight falling into a victim mentality like my life depended on it. Because it does. I'm no longer a mistress, and I'm not going to tell you it isn't a huge relief. It wasn't a healthy thing for my head. It was incredibly useful (but not helpful), I learned a ton. But mostly, I learned it's not a healthy thing for my head.

But in the broader sense of my struggles, I was sexually abused by my father. So major Daddy issues. I spent the first half of my life blaming him and everyone else for my bad choices. But finally, I figured out I was the one doing the choosing, and got help. I've slowly gotten much better at this interesting journey we call life. But being a victim remains my default mode. I'm constantly vigilant, and not always successful. One of the major reasons I got involved with the married man is because I thought I deserved it. His wife must have caused him to cheat, and so I deserved the attention. Pretty twisted thinking on my part. I struggle with a sense of entitlement. But -- therapy, man, therapy. Therapy has saved me.

I am rereading this and hope to God it doesn't sound judgmental. I've been a mistress. I know how it feels, I know what it was like in my head during that time. We all have our own reasons for why we make the choice to take on that role. I get it. I so so get it.