Member-only story
I’m stuck in the in between.
June 19, 2018
It’s the fourth week that I’ve been avoidance sleeping by day, up most of the night. Occasionally, there will be an appointment that I have to be up for during the day. But most days blend into one another, as I try my best to spend my life sleeping and not living.
This evening I woke, lying on my left side, and my eyes rested on my arm laying out, with the word “Perseverance” tattooed on my left wrist. I got that tattoo the day I got out the psych hospital. I stared at that word, my favorite word, for a long time. Then I got up and took my meds and made some pork chops.
The depression, this time, is like a heavy quilt covering all of me, causing a numbness that cannot be described. It is not that intense stabbing pain in the chest kind of depression. That kind of depression that has you fantasizing all ways to make it end. Instead, this time, it is a constant dull disabling weight from which there seems no escape. No amount of self-talk, no amount of anything, actually, is pulling me out of this one this time.
My case worker emailed, she wants to visit, of course. We see each other weekly. I cringe. Not because I don’t want to see her. I adore her. But I’ve not made any progress on my goals. My goals are amazingly simple. I’m to be up during the days, sleep at night. I’m to shower and dress and leave…
