It’s an impossible way to live.

December 24, 2024

I wish I knew what it was like not to fight depression constantly. Or have the kind that is episodic, periodic, absent for extended periods of time. But I don’t. I don’t want to be involved romantically with anyone ever again. It always ends, at least it always has up until now, and the pain is excruciating. That pain inevitably puts me in that dark place, and for a very long time. It’s such a fight to come out of it. Breakup pain is absolutely devastating. And it is the always outcome; hope dashed, a heart sick.

Plus, it’s just easier to fight the depression without having to have my life, my existence, defined in terms of being part of a couple. I get to do what I want to do, what I need to do, to manage my condition, without having to hide things or pretend because I don’t want to disappoint a partner. You may be thinking I wouldn’t have to hide those parts of myself from a partner who truly loved me and accepted me as I am, but I would.

No one wants to be around someone who is constantly fighting the sad, constantly in danger of slipping into the dark. And who often does slip into the dark. It must be terrifying to see. It’s exhausting for me to live like this, it’s exhausting to see for those who love me. It’s not that I fear losing those relationships, it’s that I respect people too much to continuously subject…