It’s one of those days.

May 14, 2024

It’s one of those days.

If I was at all tired, if I thought I could sleep, I’d just go lie down. But I would just lie there, in this relentless pain, and it would be no different than sitting here staring at my tree.

It hurts so badly and there is no place in my body that it really hurts, I can’t really explain what hurts. It’s the core of me. Yes, my chest is tight. And right in my very center, probably where my heart is, there is a tight pain, like a squeezing sensation. And it’s not a heart attack. It’s like phantom pain. It’s not really there but it’s all consuming pain.

The tears won’t stop.

I reach out to Paul. He’s recovering from Covid. And it’s not his problem. He doesn’t want to deal with me on top of his own shit. I get it. I don’t think I could take on anyone else’s pain right now, either.

I reach out to Ben. He’s out, but I don’t know for how long. I’d have to shower and dress, which seems such a daunting task. And he’d probably be gone by the time I got there.

I reach out to David. He offered to come by. But I’m in my pajamas. I’d have to shower and dress, which seem such a daunting task. And what would I do if he came over? Sit there and cry. It would solve nothing. It’s nice he offered though. That’s so nice that he…