Nonetheless, my character speaks for itself, and I am a woman of good character.

August 10, 2024

I just posted the piece “Because character speaks for itself”. This morning, I am at my laptop, gazing out at Northeast Portland through the dense green of the cherry tree that reaches higher than my fourth story windows. It’s a bit overcast right now, but it will be another hot one. Tabitha is on my right, Smoky on my left. What does my life say about my character today?

A year ago at this time, I was preparing to fly to Texas for orientation for my Master’s in Theological Studies program. During the acceptance process, I was quite troubled about all I’ve put out on the internet about my past indiscretions — a very sanitized word for the incredibly damaging mistakes I’ve made over my many years. Mistakes are one thing, but my life has been punctuated by tremendous lapses in morality. I use such harsh, self-condemning words! Why? Because if character truly does speak for itself, my character hasn’t always had much good to say about who I am.

I am six years and eight months out from the explosive ending of my affair. I stop short again and ponder the question I ponder, less often now, but still: Did I love him? Yes. Maybe. I didn’t really know him. It was a very selfish love, one that was more about having something I could pin my…