Seven years ago today

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

February 13, 2018

I’ve been telling people for months that I’m writing a book. And that I will be done writing when I have a happy ending or an appropriate point of closure. I now have an appropriate point of closure.

I’ve been manic for the last couple of days. I haven’t slept, not much. I was out of control with suicidal ideation, particularly this morning. I went so far as to look up overdose information on the drugs I have in the apartment. I was trying to figure out what I could take that wouldn’t just maim me, put me on the transplant list for a new liver or a new kidney, but that would actually kill me all the way. Final.

I email blasted Jeff. I’ve been email blasting him pretty constantly for the last 24 hours. I didn’t even know I was doing it. And if on some level I realized I was doing it, I thought that he would care enough to help me. I actually thought that he would be unselfish enough, care enough about me, AS A FRIEND, to perhaps call me, or email me some words of encouragement. That’s all it would have taken.

2:00 pm

I went to lie down. I have to get this down. My mind is going a million miles an hour. I have to get this down.