That's not true and I think you know that. It's far more complex. You did what you did, you can't go back. You know that, too. You can step ahead, doing what is right and best for you, and I am thinking that is exactly what you're doing -- at least for the time being. You can't turn into someone you're not overnight, nor would you want to. I can urge you to see a counselor. In my experience, that's the only person from whom I can get a realistic perspective on the situation. And also affirmation that you are doing the best you can in every moment (which you are!!!). Be true to yourself, and I'm thinking you are. But gather support around you, and that includes a counselor. Sorry to be telling you what to do, but it comes from the incredible pain and suffering of my own life, so it's from my heart. No matter what you decide, I commend your courage. Many people choose not to deal with inner turmoil. You're writing about it. You're putting your heart out into the world. That's huge. You're incredibly brave, and I hope all of us in the medium community are rallying around you. You deserve acceptance, affirmation, and support.