“Tinder Goddess Emma, hear our plea.”

January 30, 2022

I received another email from Tinder Help. My account is still under review. Very good news! I replied with a thank you along with this prayer:

Tinder World, let us pray:

“Please, Tinder Goddess Emma, take pity on your devoted child, Coco, Tinder participant extraordinaire.

Forgive Coco her Tinder transgressions, for they are legion. Yet, we beseech you acknowledge her Truth, her relentless pursuit to take the high road, to always be kind, gentle, and tolerant. Run a query to behold how often she turns the other cheek when she is persecuted by a match. Recognize her tireless attempts to attain greater and greater self-control, refusing to return spite for spite more often than not. Observe her improved efforts to extend empathy and grace to fake profiles. Know she aspires always to act with the best of intentions and the purest motives.

We beseech you, Tinder Goddess Emma, restore Coco to her people, all the wonderful love/friend/sex-seeking individuals that live in that Holy of Holy Places: Tinder.

Amen.”

And Tinder World responds:

“Tinder Goddess Emma, hear our plea.”