Uncle Dexter & John Calvin & Me

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

February 20, 2024

You have no idea how much I wanted you to be my father
Truly
You have no idea

You were my father’s brother
I saw you as the purer, dare I say perfect version of a father
So unlike your brother, my abuser

In you, I saw the keys to acceptance and pure fatherly love
And through that, to the very throne of God
I would have been wholly content to bow before the throne
And worship God, my God, with all my being

I longed for your embrace
I longed to be held close in your arms
With not a hint of expectation of that… thing…
That thing I was too young to understand
That thing I was helpless to provide
As a little girl
As a daughter
That thing I was forced to do

I’m sick
Just remembering
Your brother
And I’m sick sick sick
Because you knew
And I knew you knew
And you did nothing