Unshowered.

Photo by T A T I A N A on Unsplash

July 21, 2019

I was making dinner, making sure mom’s steak was medium well, then cutting it up so she can eat it with her left hand. As I cut the meat, trying not to look too closely, feel the reality too real. Trying not to fall into the vortex of dark, my familiar place of dark.

I see myself as I might be seen. Unshowered. In an oversized long t-shirt, nothing under. A t-shirt too big for me, even me. Way too big. The one I wear when I cook, so I don’t get grease spots on my good shirts. It’s the only thing I’ve worn the last two days. Day and night. There are grease spots, and some drips of red in front. But I don’t remember from what.

Tonight I’ll take a shower. And just put on another too big t-shirt. Because there’s no reason to really dress. I’ll brush my teeth with that new whitening toothpaste the hygienist told me about. It’s supposed to whiten you three shades lighter. And starts working in three days.

What’s a tooth shade? How is it measured? Why do I want whiter teeth? Is it just because they’re not as white as I want them to be? They’re not as white as other peoples are? Why does that matter? Why are white teeth important? Because they indicate good hygiene? Youth? There’s an entire industry built around white teeth. Am I buying into the bullshit? Because I don’t think the desire for white teeth is innate.