Member-only story
When the rug made up of the fabric of who you are is pulled out from under you, what is left?
February 28, 2018
I am supposed to go to the doctor and have an STD exam. I can’t quite bring myself to do it. I am supposed to do an STD screen every three months now. I’m still engaging in high risk behavior. I had all the blood work done three weeks ago, all negative. And I’ve been using condoms.
Don’t think I’ve always used condoms. I haven’t. Particularly not with men my age. But I’ve become a real condom Nazi since I was date raped. I was date raped. Not officially raped, it won’t hold up under prosecution. I was complicit, I was compliant, I was even appropriately responsive. I was afraid. He led me to believe he had a gun. So I didn’t say NO. I lost my voice. I lost my adult woman voice, the one that I have been building and strengthening and using my entire adult life. My woman voice that can and will and does say NO. I lost her, I lost my NO voice. It devastated me. Who am I without my NO voice?
Since I got my neuropsych testing results, I’ve taken enough Klonipin to put a horse to sleep, so I’m not remembering much from the last two days. On a scale of one to ten, ten being I’m going to go ahead and off myself, I’m hovering around a six. That means I think about it a lot but have no plan. And I usually try to stop myself from…
