Why I’m Still on the God Squad

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

February 17, 2023

My Reformed Theology class is triggering me all over the place. My spiritual abuse is as visible as a scarlet letter. It comes out in everything I say, every time I shake my head, close my eyes, put my fingers to my temples to try to quiet down the anger inside so I can listen to the lecture, listen to my cohorts, and simply learn. And I am learning. But every reading cuts me through to that painful place deep inside of me that has come from years and years of being told by Christians I am unworthy and in desperate need of salvation, that I am destined for that Hell that God has designed especially for the wicked like me.

So what good is God, anyway?

On the face of it, God has really done a number on me. But you see, so much of the God I’ve learned is not the God I know. I know God. She lives inside of me, and even when I say the word “God”, I feel her love. A little place inside of me smiles and receives that love. And when I’m not depressed, that place that recognizes her presence smiles more readily and more easily. It’s just There, all the time it’s There, I feel that love and acceptance. There is never any condemnation. And we are intimate. We are One.

There is never a time I feel she has turned from me. When she has felt distant, it is because I have been preoccupied with…