Your words are my heart. I live what you live. When I'm in the depths of the dark, it feels like no one in the history of the world could ever feel as bad as I feel at that moment. I can't imagine getting back to "even", and happiness is never a goal. I fight relentlessly for peace of mind and some quality of life. I'm so sorry we share this pain. There is some reprieve, I'm not always wanting to just cease. I know I'll never be free of this illness. But there are periods of reprieve, when my mind is not a jumbled cacophony of "you're a failure, you have no worth". There are times when I am "even". And those times are what make me cling to hope. I'm sorry we have this disease, that we suffer so. It's quite awful and so so tragic.